I'm in a bad spot. Spiritually, emotionally, intellectually........physically. Everything seems to flip flop rapidly. I'm a moody little sucker these days. And I gotta confess that, I don't even like being around me. It's a rough season. I find myself questioning my faith, the reality of it, the character of it, the logic of it, the theology. I went to Bible college, and frankly...well, I don't look like to the stereotypical Bible college alum. I sleep a lot. I serve little. I don't have a job in my field, and though my friends tend to believe light shines out of my rear, isolation seems like the best option when I wake up.
This is not the grand adventure I signed up for. It's not what I picture when I thought of people suffering with Christ. I spend most days feeling guilty and ashamed of myself. Who I am at the core of my being. It turns out finding my identity in Christ is a lot more than saying it, even more than the practical disciplines I practice. Walking out this path is messy. It's not for the righteous. It is for those who must be made righteous. And it turns out that knowing Jesus doesn't seem to make it easy to strive toward that goal.
"The shocking implication of Jesus' ministry is that anyone can be spiritual.
Scandalous? Maybe.
Maybe truth is scandalous. Maybe the scandal is that all of us are in some condition of not-togetherness, even those of us who are trying to be godly. Maybe we're all a mess, not only sinful messy but inconsistent messy, up-and-down messy, in-and-out messy, now-I-believe-now-I-don't messy, I-get-it-now-I-don't messy, I-understand-uh-now-I-don't-understand messy.
I admit, messy spirituality sounds...well...unspiritual."
-Messy Spirituality Michael Yaconelli
So many times I fear bearing my struggles, my depression, the terrible situations I find myself in. And to be honest, it makes sense. Because there are times when sharing struggle bites me in the butt. It means trusting others, being vulnerable, daring to expect the best of someone. The truth is, sometimes other people are as messed up as I am, and so they react inappropriately. They can be judgmental, they can be cowardly, they can try to put words to things there are no words for. And sometimes, they respond with humility, understanding, reason, encouragement, even silence.
People are so predictable, and yet so unpredictable. So what do we do with that? Why would we put ourselves out there when we don't know what the response will be? Why should we strive to walk a path that half the time, we aren't even sure we understand, or believe? Why would we not get completely down on ourselves when we fail? Why should we trust in things that are so tangible one moment, and entirely intangible the next?
Because life is paradox. Plain and simple. It wobbles along on this tight rope, a balance of opposites. We live in a world where we must be "lead through valleys of sorrows to rivers of joy." A world where we are chosen, but given the right to choose. A world where we tend to hate the people we love the most. It can really seem like a sick game at times. But it is life as we know it. And people tend to utterly suck one moment, and be decent the next.
It's just how we are. And we can spend countless hours debating the psychology, theology, anthropology of it all, but the simple fact is it's paradox. A place where opposite principles coexist. And I guess I find comfort in knowing that the figures God places before us in the Bible are so real, so brilliantly stupid, so compassionately apathetic, so faithfully unfaithful.
I love reading that after Noah delivers humanity and animal life from destruction, he gets so slovenly drunk that he strips off his clothes and leaves his son's to clean him up. Because after I watched almost all of humanity drown to death, I would probably want to get plastered myself. And if I were King (or queen) of Israel, a great warrior who spent their life striving to live a life pleasing to God, and there was some hotty naked on the roof, I might just manipulate my power to get them in my bed. And if I left my entire life behind and followed Jesus around for 3 years, I would probably expect that he repay me with some kind of throne. And if I led a people through the dessert to the promised land, and they started worshiping idols when I turned my back, I would probably have the urge to throw some divinely inscribed stones at them.
As Christians, we often like to preach on complete supernatural transformation. That once you see the light there is no turning back. To an extent this is true. Once you know the truth, whether you like it or not, you can't go back. But the thing is, it's still not always what we want. There are times when I frankly just want Jesus to let me "off the hook." Times I wish I could go back to before, when I believed my life was my own. More often than not people do not magically quit cold turkey without any form of withdrawal. Normally there is no magical moment when lust is gone forever, never to return. Normally people don't meet God and magically love themselves thoroughly because they are made in His image. People struggle, fight, fail, stumble, get ticked off at one another, get ticked off at God. People are thrown into situations they can't control, and sometimes are consumed. But sometimes they are triumphant. Sometimes we are able to see God clearly. At times we have moments of confident belief. Sometime we even treat each other with love and affection. Sometimes we get it. Sometimes the paradox seems completely reasonable and even acceptable.
There is no formula. There is no secret code. Many times leaps of faith have no foreseeable landing ground. But it is life. And it is real. And Jesus is real. And when we let the very real Jesus into our hopelessly real lives, we are left with a hopelessly authentic relationship. And well, it's generally accepted that authentic life is preferable to the alternative. So, even though it can be awful, or messy, or fantastic...and even though there is no telling which it will be and when...be. Share with one another. Dare to be honest. Dare to be imperfect. Dare to forgive and be forgiven. Dare to be a mess.
